Recently.

I cannot believe 2010 is already over half way over with. Time is passing so quickly, it's hard to keep up. This year has been a good yet difficult one for us. Starting in December of last year, the boys and I have been entirely and completely on our own. Meaning, for the first time I've been the sole bread-winner. Along the way we've always had help or lived with family or what not.

Learning that I can do this on my own was a challenge. It's easy to rely on help. Why work for anything when everything's handed to you? This isn't life I wanted for us. I found a cute and affordable duplex, with plenty of room for my family. I took my job seriously (this month, I've been there a year now) and saved what I could. I bought our car and we packed up and moved. Even now, eight months later as I look around at our home, outside at out SUV and all of our belongings... it is hard to fathom that I earned these things. I did it. My goal was to be on our own and provide for my family, and I'm doing it. I feel proud. Given, it took a little longer than I wanted, but the point is I set a goal, and we achieved it.

Dominick turned a year old in January. My littlest son isn't so little anymore. He has grown into a strong and curious toddler. He gets into EVERYTHING. And it seems like I am constantly feeding that little boy. I knew that once Dom progressed from the infant stage, things would be more difficult. When he was an infant, it was easy to be mobile and take all of the boys on errands and on outings. Now that all three of the boys are on foot and we go anywhere, I have to pay close attention to each of them. Even just a trip to the grocery store for milk can be difficult. All three of the boys are curious and independent, so containing three very big personalities and needs for exploring into a three foot radius around me is challenging. Since I only have one pair of eyes, I feel way more comfortable with each of the boys holding my hand, purse, or hanging on to the stroller. Even a second with no sight of them scares me.

Here's a look at the list of things I need to bring if we go on a trip to the park, for example:

• Stroller
• 6 diapers
• Wipes
• Changing pad
• 3 pairs of clothes (one for each boys, because accidents DO happen)
• 3 sweaters (just in case!)
• 3 bottles of water
• 3 snacks
• Dom's sippy cup
• Dom's Binky (he won't go anywhere without it)
• Jack's Woobie (his blankey, never leaves his side)
• Various park toys: balls, frisbees, soldiers, etc.
• Sunscreen, sunglasses, hats

Okay, maybe all of these things aren't entirely necessary, but in my experience, it is better to be safe than sorry! Some how I manage to carry all of these things and escort the kids to wherever it is we are going to. Relying on myself is awesome, yet tiring. However, I've recently discovered bi-ceps I never thought I had!

Also new in this year, Kenny started kindergarten last week. His first day of school was a hard one for me. I took the day off from work to be able to be there with him. I work at 5am, so unless I had taken it off, I would have missed it. I wasn't going to miss that for all of the world. His dad, Jackson and I escorted him to his classroom. On the way there, parents and students both filled the sidewalks and hallways of the open-campus styled school. There were so many people wandering about, I was worried that it would overwhelm my 5 year old. Kenny had never been to any type of daycare or school. This season of tee ball was the only social experience he had. He had always been home with me, or cared for by family while his dad and I worked.

But no, not Kenny. He marched on, clinging to his Spider-Man backpack and matching lunch pail. He paused briefly to double-check to make sure his pencils, paper and hand sanitizer was still there. "Yep, I got it," he nodded, and moved forward. We approached his classroom... well, a portable. "F-29!" he shouted, remembering the class number. We walked into a typical kindergarten classroom: tiny chairs, short tables, books, colors, numbers, letters, and a sweet teacher dressed in a Moo-Moo. Ms. Jones greeted Kenny with a smile, and shook his hand. When she called him 'Kenneth,' my son corrected her and told her he preferred to be called 'Kenny.' I envy his boldness sometimes. Other times it makes me cringe, like when he tells me how long my nose hairs are.

His dad kissed him on the head, and said goodbye, leaving to go to work. I was too reluctant to leave so swiftly. Jackson and I stayed behind and helped Kenny find his cubby and his seat. We helped him make a lunch choice: cheeseburger, naturally. As the minutes passed, more and more children and parents filled the classroom. Jack and I stayed by Kenny's side. I looked around to see if there were any other young parents to relate with. They all seemed to be thirty-something. Cameras were flickering. Parents clinging. And the new students scoped the classroom and each other. Kenny made a few attempts to say hello and introduce himself, but the kids seemed occupied with their parents. I stayed close to him, my hand was always on him: stroking his hair, laying down a misplaced cow lick, fixing his collar, tying his shoe, wiping dried toothpaste from his cheek. I noticed I was looking for excused to touch him.

Kenny finally looked up at me, his big green eyes obviously annoyed. "Mom..." he said quietly. "Sorry." I responded.

Meanwhile, Jack let out a sigh has he held my hand. "I'm bored, Mommy."

"We're leaving soon."

Ms. Jones asked all the students to join her on the story time rug. Kenny rushed over to be first, of course. She then had them do a special Bye Mom & Dad wave, a polite way of saying "please leave so I can do my job." Kenny looked back at me, blew me a kiss and waived. I smiled and waived back. I told him I would be there as soon as he got out. He nodded and smiled. I took a deep breath, clinging to Jack's hand and walked out.

As Jack and I walked to our car, I had the strangest feeling in my chest. You know that feeling when you're leaving your house or job, and you know you've forgotten something and something's pulling to back to go find it? That was the feeling. I felt like I was leaving a limb behind. I looked down at Jack's little face. "I miss Kenny," he said quietly. I picked him up and we hugged for a moment. I let out a few tears but quickly dried up. The boys don't like to see Mommy crying.

Kenny's almost into his third week now. He's doing just fine. He actually really likes school. All that worrying for nothing. Watching the boys grow is fascinating. For some reason, it's also heart wrenching. I guess I want them to stay small forever. To always need me and rely on me. To some degree, that may not change. But already they make me so proud. They're all three stronger, more independent and smarter than I ever was.

Coming up next this month is Jackson's 4th birthday. I can't believe he's already 4. And I can't wait for his party. My mom is helping so much, so planning it should be a breeze. This year the theme is Ninja Turtles, his current favorite.

My children are growing at an incredible rate. As they learn new skills and new found independence, I learn to let go a little bit. They are eager to get out there in the world and make their mark. I am resistant. But we have to do this together. They takes tiny steps forward, I take one back.